It always felt like, that I have to summarize the year passing by. Every self-help thing I came across by said, either on your birthday or the end of a year, whichever end-new year day you celebrate, it is good to look back and summarize your year.
As my emotional and mental balance is devastatingly broken and it feels unfixable, I kinda have to force myself to come up with positive things.
For a long time, I haven’t “looked forward” to the new year, I am terrified each time, what worse will the next one bring.
So, let’s see 2017….
I started my year with being on antidepressants for the first time in my life. For the first time, I was struggling not to overdose something or step in the traffic.
After a long year of abuse, my workplace finally forced me to quit, therefore losing my job and ending up on benefits and unemployment. Which was practically the end of the world for me. Since most of my life, I was single, not being in a relationship, but alone was something I got used to. But being unemployed meant that I am absolutely unwanted and unneeded in the society. I was basically something you normally would get rid of. Yes, I have a twisted idea of people’s value in society. Let’s just skip that for a while.
So if the first 3 years of absolute and complete rejection from UK’s companies were not enough, now I got another couple of hundred “you are not good enough”. That most certainly helped my depression. In the meantime, I was on therapy which not really helped, more like I felt and absolute failure on the sessions. On the top of the fact that the psychologist didn’t give a damn about underlying conditions or past history whatsoever.
I am an aspie with prosopagnosia battling with anxiety and panic attacks and responding to every negative event with uncontrollable crying. But let’s forget about this and just treat my depression ignoring everything else. The unemployment centre woman had one session with me and an email and then never contacted me again. After a couple of sessions, I purposely started to improve my points on the self-test, so after 4 session I was “officially cured”. LOL UK healthcare system.
In the meantime, a dear friend of mine offered to have proper sessions to help me out. ❤
As nervous as I was, it actually turned out very well.
I also got a job. Payment less than in my previous place, more annoying customers and less hours. But it is chilling most of the time. No stress, exactly what I needed. Customers tend to be annoying, but oh well, won’t be bothered after they leave.
I continue volunteering. Despite of what others said, it does not help finding a job when you are an immigrant. Maybe it helps if you are local and with contacts, but not like that. I am doing it for 3 years now and I am not closer to a job in my field than when I started.
But it helped me realize personal things.
I turned 30 this year. And I finally realized what I want to do in my life career-wise. I am a late bloomer, yeah. But I know it. I might not reach it like ever. But at least I know it and unless I have a sever brain damage or Alzheimer or something, this knowledge will stay with me.
I had two holidays and a working-travel kind of thing. I have seen amazing placed, visited places I always wanted. Did shopping just for fun, and I think I can say that I pretty much own everything I ever wanted to own. The only thing left is a small place I can call my own, but I am pretty much done with the material wishes at age 30.
Due to my depression and “punishing myself with not eating” kinda way, I like myself in the mirror. We have an expression in my language about that, and I had to google the English version, but I think it’s the one that says “every cloud has a silver lining”. It is a bit twisted, that hey, I starved myself, but I am kinda okay now and I like my new body shape. But yeah, like that.
I traveled, I started to get used to eating again, even though I can’t eat a lot at the same time now, only smaller bits. I enjoyed life, I figured myself out.
Also started to talk to my ex again during summer time (on the Parade, lol, give me a break). We had a rather disastrous breakup, 3 years ago now I think. I told him not to contact me again. Then during summer, we had to, because a friend of ours came to visit and stayed only one day in London. So we met. We talked. And talked. He talked me through two panic attacks at night on the phone. We went on roadtrips. Spent some time at his place. We spent Christmas together. No feelings and no relationship officially. But it is alright. I feel free and he is a good company.
I’ve got a couple of rejections again around December. Jobwise. Dated people. Stopped dating them. Did university courses for fun. So, I don’t know. It probably wasn’t the happiest year of my life, but it was somewhat productive.
I don’t say my life is perfect. I still have the usual mental and emotional garbage issues. I still have uncontrollable crying, sometimes in public or in front of my boss. (He got used to it and is very supportive.) My rosacea and my joint problem still there. Sometimes better, sometimes worse. The joints are better, my skin is worse right now. I have harder days sometimes. Struggle a bit with money. Still live with my mum, sharing a room with my sister. Most of my problem would be solved if I get a chance to prove myself workwise.