Personal life · Uncategorized

Almost the end of another year

It always felt like, that I have to summarize the year passing by. Every self-help thing I came across by said, either on your birthday or the end of a year, whichever end-new year day you celebrate, it is good to look back and summarize your year.

As my emotional and mental balance is devastatingly broken and it feels unfixable, I kinda have to force myself to come up with positive things.

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For a long time, I haven’t “looked forward” to the new year, I am terrified each time, what worse will the next one bring.

So, let’s see 2017….

I started my year with being on antidepressants for the first time in my life. For the first time, I was struggling not to overdose something or step in the traffic.
After a long year of abuse, my workplace finally forced me to quit, therefore losing my job and ending up on benefits and unemployment. Which was practically the end of the world for me. Since most of my life, I was single, not being in a relationship, but alone was something I got used to. But being unemployed meant that I am absolutely unwanted and unneeded in the society. I was basically something you normally would get rid of. Yes, I have a twisted idea of people’s value in society. Let’s just skip that for a while.

So if the first 3 years of absolute and complete rejection from UK’s companies were not enough, now I got another couple of hundred “you are not good enough”. That most certainly helped my depression. In the meantime, I was on therapy which not really helped, more like I felt and absolute failure on the sessions. On the top of the fact that the psychologist didn’t give a damn about underlying conditions or past history whatsoever.

I am an aspie with prosopagnosia battling with anxiety and panic attacks and responding to every negative event with uncontrollable crying. But let’s forget about this and just treat my depression ignoring everything else. The unemployment centre woman had one session with me and an email and then never contacted me again. After a couple of sessions, I purposely started to improve my points on the self-test, so after 4 session I was “officially cured”. LOL UK healthcare system.

In the meantime, a dear friend of mine offered to have proper sessions to help me out. ❤
As nervous as I was, it actually turned out very well.
I also got a job. Payment less than in my previous place, more annoying customers and less hours. But it is chilling most of the time. No stress, exactly what I needed. Customers tend to be annoying, but oh well, won’t be bothered after they leave.

I continue volunteering. Despite of what others said, it does not help finding a job when you are an immigrant. Maybe it helps if you are local and with contacts, but not like that. I am doing it for 3 years now and I am not closer to a job in my field than when I started.

But it helped me realize personal things.

I turned 30 this year. And I finally realized what I want to do in my life career-wise. I am a late bloomer, yeah. But I know it. I might not reach it like ever. But at least I know it and unless I have a sever brain damage or Alzheimer or something, this knowledge will stay with me.

I had two holidays and a working-travel kind of thing. I have seen amazing placed, visited places I always wanted. Did shopping just for fun, and I think I can say that I pretty much own everything I ever wanted to own. The only thing left is a small place I can call my own, but I am pretty much done with the material wishes at age 30.

Due to my depression and “punishing myself with not eating” kinda way, I like myself in the mirror. We have an expression in my language about that, and I had to google the English version, but I think it’s the one that says “every cloud has a silver lining”. It is a bit twisted, that hey, I starved myself, but I am kinda okay now and I like my new body shape. But yeah, like that.

I traveled, I started to get used to eating again, even though I can’t eat a lot at the same time now, only smaller bits. I enjoyed life, I figured myself out.

Also started to talk to my ex again during summer time (on the Parade, lol, give me a break). We had a rather disastrous breakup, 3 years ago now I think. I told him not to contact me again. Then during summer, we had to, because a friend of ours came to visit and stayed only one day in London. So we met. We talked. And talked. He talked me through two panic attacks at night on the phone. We went on roadtrips. Spent some time at his place. We spent Christmas together. No feelings and no relationship officially. But it is alright. I feel free and he is a good company.

I’ve got a couple of rejections again around December. Jobwise. Dated people. Stopped dating them. Did university courses for fun. So, I don’t know. It probably wasn’t the happiest year of my life, but it was somewhat productive.

I don’t say my life is perfect. I still have the usual mental and emotional garbage issues. I still have uncontrollable crying, sometimes in public or in front of my boss. (He got used to it and is very supportive.) My rosacea and my joint problem still there. Sometimes better, sometimes worse. The joints are better, my skin is worse right now. I have harder days sometimes. Struggle a bit with money. Still live with my mum, sharing a room with my sister. Most of my problem would be solved if I get a chance to prove myself workwise.

We’ll see.

Goodbye-2017-Welcome-2018

Job hunt · Personal life

Hiatus

I always have shorter-longer gaps in blogging. I do have it in my normal diary as well, and by normal I mean hand-written.

Anyhow, basically my emotional state is quite…rolling. Ups and downs all the time and the downs are really down lately. Like no reason to live kind off downs. I am not planning to kill myself, it is more like…. I am a scientist. I go further, a life scientist with several course certificates about global warming, climate change and the state of biodiversity. So, when I am down, that comes with a sort of negative view, since I live in a city where I don’t see much change in people’s behaviour. It seems, really, nobody gets, how serious shit we are in right now and how much worse it is going to get. Soon. Don’t think about hundreds of years, I am talking about like 50 years. Yup, that’s right. We are in serious deep shit and it doesn’t seem to change…. so what is the point of trying when shit gets worse in my lifetime. My job (would be, if anyone would hire me) to try to slow this down at least, since stopping is not an option. But since nobody hires me, I feel helpless and most of all, utterly useless. I am literally living day-by-day with the eat-sleep-repeat pattern, I don’t make changes in the words, my knowledge is dying in my brain with my body without any use of it.

Rejection Just Ahead Green Road Sign with Dramatic Storm Clouds and Sky.

Lately, more and more I think about moving somewhere far from society. Society and the system failed me, why should I contribute then?

The hows and the whens are still question, but I have a friend who sort of did the same, moving away to a little village where nobody goes and he was never happier. He invited me to go and check it out if I’d like it. Not sure how I would make money there, as I have very limited physical abilities, but it seems that, there is nothing much for me in the society other than doing manual labour and get a bad treatment from people with money and status.

Recently I sort of “watched” the AHS Coven and there is a monologue, really caught me:
“I am a millennial. Generation Y; born between the birth of AIDS and 9/11, give or take. They call us the global generation. We are known for our entitlement and narcissism. Some say it’s because we’re the first generation where every kid gets a trophy just for showing up. Others think it’s because social media allows us to post when we fart or have a sandwich for all the world to see. But it seems our one defining trait is a numbness to the world. An indifference to suffering.”

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I can agree with that. Sort of. Not from her point of view.
But where I am from, I am the generation precisely to the year, which I would call “Experimental”
Ours was the generation, what got into the middle of changing the educational system to a general European one. We were the test subjects. How to change from the old system to the new, if it is workable.
I put it that way, it was not. That was the time when they divided the higher education to Bachelor and Masters…. For our Bachelor, they tried to shove down our throat, 4 years of information in 2.5 years. Then in Master’s…. that was the first time they launched the one I did. It wasn’t constructed, the whole education was a mess. I guess they have learnt from it.
The one thing no one bloody cares about, that they fucked up the future of an entire generation.
My fellow classmates… either got into a random facility due to family friends, or starting a new degree from zero and pushing themselves into dept. Or working as a puppet-slave to the rich and mighty like me.

I can’t care about other people anymore. Nobody cares about us, me, why should I? I am not a saint or a magician, trying to keep my mind sort of sane is a hard enough task.

I have to live the rest of my life with the fact that it seems, it doesn’t matter how many certificates I have (at this point 3 degrees and around 7-8 certificates)….. since I don’t have contacts and money, I am literally a trash on the side of the road.

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Literally the most common sentence I get in my life
e-learning · Uncategorized

Course 5: Understanding Plants – Part I: What a Plant Knows

Understanding Plants – Part I: What a Plant Knows by Tel Aviv University

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More information about this course > click here <

I really loved this course. Even though for me it was quite a simple one, having botanical background and everything.

How the Professor explains and puts everything into context is amazing however. After the introduction video my main thought was, “That’s how teachers should teach!”. He makes everything more interesting than any teacher I have ever heard talking about plant physiology.

Each week ends with a quiz which is quite fortunate for me, as I am usually not performing well on the assignments. The quiz wasn’t easy, it needs attention while watching the videos and I recommend taking notes.

I give 3 for the audience. Luckily it is not necessary to interact with other participants. This is a biology-chemistry science course specifically made for beginners. Still, as always with science courses and lectures, peoples sign up specifically to question and argue, and especially to question the validity of information in the lectures.

So generally, I loved the concept and the idea, it was made nicely. What is still missing, it the same as almost every course on coursera, the teachers and educators are not participating, not answering question at all on the forum. Mentors replies, but I could be a mentor on the Osteoarcheology course and even though I loved the course, I am not sure that a couple of weeks online course makes me qualified answering questions about human anthropology. They might be expert on the topics, they might be just people who did a couple of weeks, quite light plant physiology course.

Recommend: 5/5
Lectures: 5/5
Audience: 3/5

Job hunt · Personal life · Uncategorized

Being ridiculed

aka expectations meets reality.

I don’t say I had great expectations, but I actually thought after graduation, I will get a job and I will live happily ever after. I hoped, that since my relationship-love life is literally non-existent, I could have just that little.

But…. after graduation, I entered the “you need experience to get a job, but you need to get a job to get experience” loop. Eventually I settled with volunteering, so I get some work experience, maybe contact as well, even though I am horrible at networking. But since I am not part of the rich and mighty, I had to work something in order to be able to get the work experience.

Now, I have experience, but I don’t make it to the interviews, or even if I make it, I am being ridiculed by “professionals (?)” for working in retail and hospitality.

So I am now what it is called, breaking point I believe. I no longer have hopes, I no longer have dreams. I just live day by day kinda waiting for the inevitable end.

At this point, I am out of ideas what I could do to get a job. I have 2 university degrees (both of them is in the 1st category, one of them was 89% the other 90something %). I have a language qualification, actually two and at the moment 7 other certificate on various topics and two published paper.

But I am UNSALEABLE. Because my career path is not one single thing, because I am not rich, my family is not rich, I don’t know the queen, the royal family and a whole bunch of rich people and lately and most of all: my mother tongue happened to be something other than English.

Yes, we reached the point of human history, where being knowledgeable about many topics, having a better brain (both, clever, smart and intelligent has a highly negative meaning lately) – is actually something, you have to be ashamed of.

Of you are going to be ridiculed, mistreated and looked-down.

 

 

I’ve never said that this blog is going to be a happy one.

e-learning

Course 4: Introduction to Forensic Science

Introduction to Forensic Science by Nanyang Technological University, Singapore

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More info about the course > click here <

This is one of those courses that I cannot say how hard or easy is to do it without the needed background. As I have a biochemistry/genetics/bit of forensics background, for me it wasn’t too challenging. The techniques he used and explained, was something I have experience using it. Not with human samples, but the technique and the machine and the result analysis is the same.

I absolutely loved the case studies though. I actually ended up downloading the videos in the app and listening to it as a background noise while I was working.
He is a real nice teacher, it is quite enjoyable to listen to his description and stories.

I personally enjoyed the assignments.

It requires patience though, as the course is 8 weeks long and it has a lot of videos to watch. You also need some time to work out all the clues and write proper reports to the assignments.

I did not experiences glitches and problems, like with the anthropology course, so generally it was a really pleasant and nice experience.

The course also has a Facebook page actually maintained by the course teacher, which is unusual and surprising, and he regularly posts about new techniques in forensics and interesting cases. That is an absolutely new experience for me after doing all these coursera courses, where most of the times the whole course is abandoned by the course teachers completely.

Recommend: 5/5
Lectures: 5/5 (I would give 10 from 5, but nah)
Audience: 5/5

art · Job hunt · Personal life

Finding myself

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Lately I have been doing the what am I want from my life game.
I always envied those, who could find their passion at an early age and devote to it and done. I could never do that. In high school, I was taking up different extra courses basically every two weeks. I found impossible to choose at age 16 what I want to spend the rest of my life with.

And I ended up at university specializing in that one subject I always slept through during high school – chemistry.

And here we are at age 29, with working in retail, cause I am an absolutely have no idea what am I want to do with my life. Probably that is not helpful in the job hunt. Once someone told me, that having too many interests is helpful.

Definitely not. It is the state where you want to do everything, you divide yourself, you know a little of everything, but specially good at nothing.

So what am I doing lately, is basically devoting a blog or a page to each of my interest and trying to figure out which one is the one I don’t get bored of or after a while I spend more time with it than the others.

I have literally no other ideas how to work out this problem, so I will try this one.

So, if you would like to follow the process:
My art: DeviantArt / Patreon (where you can financially support me a little :))/ Facebook

My blog about science, mostly Botany >> click here <<

Let’s see, which will last. Or maybe I find a combination of all

e-learning

Course 3: Fundamentals of Music Theory

Fundamentals of Music Theory by The University of Edinburgh

More info about the course > here <

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I basically started this at the same time with the other two.

I liked that they literally start from the very easy, baby steps and then build up the whole theory. They offer a lot of extra website to practice what has been taught on the lecture videos. You can test your skills, and on the websites you can change the difficulty, so it helps you develop your skills.

I originally wanted to do this course, because I learnt how to play a piano, but never the theory. And I was like, yeah, it must be helpful learning these skills like how music is built up.

Literally the first thing they said in the first video was that this course might not help you to be a better musician, maybe it will even mix you up.

Good thing, it didn’t.

It was a very nice exercise, I have learnt a lot about music, how music is created and written down, so eventually it was a good experience. As that was the first time actually learning music theory and applying it to practice, I had some difficulties with the quizzes and it was specifically hard for me the last assignment, but I passed and I was so happy about it and extremely proud.

Recommend: 4/5
Lectures: 5/5
Audience: 5/5

I gave 4 for the recommendation, because if you are not really passionate about it, you are going to give up the quizzes after a couple of weeks.
But in general, I can fully recommend the course.