I always have shorter-longer gaps in blogging. I do have it in my normal diary as well, and by normal I mean hand-written.
Anyhow, basically my emotional state is quite…rolling. Ups and downs all the time and the downs are really down lately. Like no reason to live kind off downs. I am not planning to kill myself, it is more like…. I am a scientist. I go further, a life scientist with several course certificates about global warming, climate change and the state of biodiversity. So, when I am down, that comes with a sort of negative view, since I live in a city where I don’t see much change in people’s behaviour. It seems, really, nobody gets, how serious shit we are in right now and how much worse it is going to get. Soon. Don’t think about hundreds of years, I am talking about like 50 years. Yup, that’s right. We are in serious deep shit and it doesn’t seem to change…. so what is the point of trying when shit gets worse in my lifetime. My job (would be, if anyone would hire me) to try to slow this down at least, since stopping is not an option. But since nobody hires me, I feel helpless and most of all, utterly useless. I am literally living day-by-day with the eat-sleep-repeat pattern, I don’t make changes in the words, my knowledge is dying in my brain with my body without any use of it.
Lately, more and more I think about moving somewhere far from society. Society and the system failed me, why should I contribute then?
The hows and the whens are still question, but I have a friend who sort of did the same, moving away to a little village where nobody goes and he was never happier. He invited me to go and check it out if I’d like it. Not sure how I would make money there, as I have very limited physical abilities, but it seems that, there is nothing much for me in the society other than doing manual labour and get a bad treatment from people with money and status.
Recently I sort of “watched” the AHS Coven and there is a monologue, really caught me:
“I am a millennial. Generation Y; born between the birth of AIDS and 9/11, give or take. They call us the global generation. We are known for our entitlement and narcissism. Some say it’s because we’re the first generation where every kid gets a trophy just for showing up. Others think it’s because social media allows us to post when we fart or have a sandwich for all the world to see. But it seems our one defining trait is a numbness to the world. An indifference to suffering.”
I can agree with that. Sort of. Not from her point of view.
But where I am from, I am the generation precisely to the year, which I would call “Experimental”
Ours was the generation, what got into the middle of changing the educational system to a general European one. We were the test subjects. How to change from the old system to the new, if it is workable.
I put it that way, it was not. That was the time when they divided the higher education to Bachelor and Masters…. For our Bachelor, they tried to shove down our throat, 4 years of information in 2.5 years. Then in Master’s…. that was the first time they launched the one I did. It wasn’t constructed, the whole education was a mess. I guess they have learnt from it.
The one thing no one bloody cares about, that they fucked up the future of an entire generation.
My fellow classmates… either got into a random facility due to family friends, or starting a new degree from zero and pushing themselves into dept. Or working as a puppet-slave to the rich and mighty like me.
I can’t care about other people anymore. Nobody cares about us, me, why should I? I am not a saint or a magician, trying to keep my mind sort of sane is a hard enough task.
I have to live the rest of my life with the fact that it seems, it doesn’t matter how many certificates I have (at this point 3 degrees and around 7-8 certificates)….. since I don’t have contacts and money, I am literally a trash on the side of the road.