Job hunt · Personal life

Hiatus

I always have shorter-longer gaps in blogging. I do have it in my normal diary as well, and by normal I mean hand-written.

Anyhow, basically my emotional state is quite…rolling. Ups and downs all the time and the downs are really down lately. Like no reason to live kind off downs. I am not planning to kill myself, it is more like…. I am a scientist. I go further, a life scientist with several course certificates about global warming, climate change and the state of biodiversity. So, when I am down, that comes with a sort of negative view, since I live in a city where I don’t see much change in people’s behaviour. It seems, really, nobody gets, how serious shit we are in right now and how much worse it is going to get. Soon. Don’t think about hundreds of years, I am talking about like 50 years. Yup, that’s right. We are in serious deep shit and it doesn’t seem to change…. so what is the point of trying when shit gets worse in my lifetime. My job (would be, if anyone would hire me) to try to slow this down at least, since stopping is not an option. But since nobody hires me, I feel helpless and most of all, utterly useless. I am literally living day-by-day with the eat-sleep-repeat pattern, I don’t make changes in the words, my knowledge is dying in my brain with my body without any use of it.

Rejection Just Ahead Green Road Sign with Dramatic Storm Clouds and Sky.

Lately, more and more I think about moving somewhere far from society. Society and the system failed me, why should I contribute then?

The hows and the whens are still question, but I have a friend who sort of did the same, moving away to a little village where nobody goes and he was never happier. He invited me to go and check it out if I’d like it. Not sure how I would make money there, as I have very limited physical abilities, but it seems that, there is nothing much for me in the society other than doing manual labour and get a bad treatment from people with money and status.

Recently I sort of “watched” the AHS Coven and there is a monologue, really caught me:
“I am a millennial. Generation Y; born between the birth of AIDS and 9/11, give or take. They call us the global generation. We are known for our entitlement and narcissism. Some say it’s because we’re the first generation where every kid gets a trophy just for showing up. Others think it’s because social media allows us to post when we fart or have a sandwich for all the world to see. But it seems our one defining trait is a numbness to the world. An indifference to suffering.”

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I can agree with that. Sort of. Not from her point of view.
But where I am from, I am the generation precisely to the year, which I would call “Experimental”
Ours was the generation, what got into the middle of changing the educational system to a general European one. We were the test subjects. How to change from the old system to the new, if it is workable.
I put it that way, it was not. That was the time when they divided the higher education to Bachelor and Masters…. For our Bachelor, they tried to shove down our throat, 4 years of information in 2.5 years. Then in Master’s…. that was the first time they launched the one I did. It wasn’t constructed, the whole education was a mess. I guess they have learnt from it.
The one thing no one bloody cares about, that they fucked up the future of an entire generation.
My fellow classmates… either got into a random facility due to family friends, or starting a new degree from zero and pushing themselves into dept. Or working as a puppet-slave to the rich and mighty like me.

I can’t care about other people anymore. Nobody cares about us, me, why should I? I am not a saint or a magician, trying to keep my mind sort of sane is a hard enough task.

I have to live the rest of my life with the fact that it seems, it doesn’t matter how many certificates I have (at this point 3 degrees and around 7-8 certificates)….. since I don’t have contacts and money, I am literally a trash on the side of the road.

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Literally the most common sentence I get in my life
Job hunt · Personal life · Uncategorized

Being ridiculed

aka expectations meets reality.

I don’t say I had great expectations, but I actually thought after graduation, I will get a job and I will live happily ever after. I hoped, that since my relationship-love life is literally non-existent, I could have just that little.

But…. after graduation, I entered the “you need experience to get a job, but you need to get a job to get experience” loop. Eventually I settled with volunteering, so I get some work experience, maybe contact as well, even though I am horrible at networking. But since I am not part of the rich and mighty, I had to work something in order to be able to get the work experience.

Now, I have experience, but I don’t make it to the interviews, or even if I make it, I am being ridiculed by “professionals (?)” for working in retail and hospitality.

So I am now what it is called, breaking point I believe. I no longer have hopes, I no longer have dreams. I just live day by day kinda waiting for the inevitable end.

At this point, I am out of ideas what I could do to get a job. I have 2 university degrees (both of them is in the 1st category, one of them was 89% the other 90something %). I have a language qualification, actually two and at the moment 7 other certificate on various topics and two published paper.

But I am UNSALEABLE. Because my career path is not one single thing, because I am not rich, my family is not rich, I don’t know the queen, the royal family and a whole bunch of rich people and lately and most of all: my mother tongue happened to be something other than English.

Yes, we reached the point of human history, where being knowledgeable about many topics, having a better brain (both, clever, smart and intelligent has a highly negative meaning lately) – is actually something, you have to be ashamed of.

Of you are going to be ridiculed, mistreated and looked-down.

 

 

I’ve never said that this blog is going to be a happy one.

art · Job hunt · Personal life

Finding myself

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Lately I have been doing the what am I want from my life game.
I always envied those, who could find their passion at an early age and devote to it and done. I could never do that. In high school, I was taking up different extra courses basically every two weeks. I found impossible to choose at age 16 what I want to spend the rest of my life with.

And I ended up at university specializing in that one subject I always slept through during high school – chemistry.

And here we are at age 29, with working in retail, cause I am an absolutely have no idea what am I want to do with my life. Probably that is not helpful in the job hunt. Once someone told me, that having too many interests is helpful.

Definitely not. It is the state where you want to do everything, you divide yourself, you know a little of everything, but specially good at nothing.

So what am I doing lately, is basically devoting a blog or a page to each of my interest and trying to figure out which one is the one I don’t get bored of or after a while I spend more time with it than the others.

I have literally no other ideas how to work out this problem, so I will try this one.

So, if you would like to follow the process:
My art: DeviantArt / Patreon (where you can financially support me a little :))/ Facebook

My blog about science, mostly Botany >> click here <<

Let’s see, which will last. Or maybe I find a combination of all

Job hunt · Personal life

Why am I not working in my field?

Which is life science, more specifically, plant genetics, cell culture, etc.

The reason why, because the only thing I ever experienced from the science community was utter and absolute rejection.

And I am bloody serious. 4 years passed now since my graduation and I have never had a single job interview. Sometimes I get the “your application has been unsuccessful”, but mostly nothing. Time just passes.

I try to keep up my knowledge by reading, writing and taking extra courses online. But lately I had less and less passion for it. Like, what is the point? No one ever gave me an opportunity to prove myself.

Sometimes I feel like, I just give up.

But then what’s left. I only have qualifications in science. I was prepared for years to be a researcher. Which did not happen.

And now I have nothing just the knowledge in my head.

Job hunt · Personal life · Uncategorized

Our society

Well, we had a conversation in my house and at work… and with friends… lining up all the things what pretty much sucks now…. I mean, hard work always existed and the hunger for money, but these days are pretty much nothing else, just money.

You can never satisfy anyone.

And let’s face it, Brits have waaaay to much time and they can allow themselves way to many things. Like arguing with an employe in a stationary store for losing like 50p from a voucher…. 50P !!!!!!!! IN A STATIONARY STORE. You honestly don’t have anything more important to do?

And I can guarantee you, the answer will be no.

And 90% of the time, if you have a problematic customer, they will be middle-aged white English woman. No, I am not being racist, I have years of experience on the topics. Always these woman (and woman in general) who wants to express their frustration and release their anger on a person who is like…. just working there to make their living.

Whatever, sort of got used to them. But seriously thinking about moving out of the UK, especially London. It stinks. Not literally.

Basically you are constantly threatened by “company policy” and your bosses that you are going to loose your job. You are enduring harassment, life threatening situations (I am not even joking about that), bullying by the management, discrimination. And what can you do? NOTHING.

And you probably tell the person who says these “mate, just quit and go somewhere else”. Let me tell you something, all companies are like that. From the head to down, everyone gets the pressure from above, to be scared and live in fear all the time and loose your job and you are gonna be homeless and DIE and family will DIE too.

Yes, because unlike the lucky ones, some of us can’t just live off not working. Like, we don’t have secret stash of money hidden on 6 other bank account. We actually work to pay the bills.

And before you start the “you should have studied” kinda bullshit, I have 3 university qualifications, 2 of them in science and I graduated with merit from all of them. And I am still here, working in retail, ’cause my family doesn’t have contacts and money.

Which is basically the only important thing these days, nothing else matters. Everyone is running after money and killing themselves with stress. Welcome to 2017, human society.

Personal life · Uncategorized

“Have courage and be kind”

Cinderella has always been my favourite fairy tale. And surprisingly it is, I have grown up on the mother’s grave give the clothes and shoes and there is actually 3 balls and at the end the step sisters disfigure themselves version. The pumpkin and fairy godmother came later when the internet came in and the west flowed into my country.

But, it is kind of a motto. Always been. More the “be kind” part. And I try to be. Today I had my first appointment with my recruitment officer, helper kind of person and she told me she believes I am a very kind person.

No one told me this before.

Probably due to my Asperger and Prosopagnosia, I am always the rude person who hurts everyone. I forget people, I don’t remember them and it is hurtful. They don’t care about the whys and hows, what matters is that I do not remember them. Or I do not care about their feelings and stuff. When I am basically in the dark about detecting people’s feelings…

So telling me this, I don’t know, the biggest compliment ever (?).

I judge people too fast I know that. And I hurt them a lot with my words and reactions, ever though it is not intentional.

Like, I am the person with flowers and butterflies, minus the fact that only my closest friends and family knows about it.

So yeah, life is not easy, especially when you not only have to figure out yourself, but everyone else around you, because you just have absolutely no clue what is their reaction to anything you say or do.

Job hunt · Personal life · Uncategorized

Job seeking and stuff

Well, I am finally announced depression free! I am so happy about it, it was really not me. A friend of mine told me that I am the most positive, cheerful person she knows and if I am battling with depression, there is something seriously wrong with the world.

Well, depressive episode over (I am pretty sure there will be more, but then I will deal with them when they come). So at least, that is out of the question.

Too bad I cannot do the same with my Asperger or Prosopagnosia. Or with my JHS if we are lining up hereditary or born-with problems.

My mum asked an interesting question yesterday, that does the knowledge that I do have these illnesses makes me feel bad or down or sad? (She doesn’t have any of my problems, for JHS, she is probably a carrier, same as for my father, as none of them have it, but it occurs in the family on both sides. So I won the 50-50% lottery from both sides.)

And back to the question if it makes me sad or affects me in a way that makes me sad. And the answer is ‘no’. I mean, yes, I do wish sometimes to be like everybody else. But since all of my problems I had it since I can remember, naming it does not change anything. Knowing my JHS does not make it less painful. Knowing my Prosopagnosia does not make it easier to recognize faces. Life is the same. The only difference is that I can answer to questions like “oh, do you have any problem?” “oh, what is wrong with you?” “what causing your problem?”. Many people finds it utterly funny that I don’t really recognize faces much. My mum was not one of them when I did not recognize family members…

But that does not make me sad. It is part of my life, I kinda got used to it. Adjusted my life around them. It is not perfect, but it’s working better than before.

And then job seeking, wow, hardcore, I am playing level 10000. Because if I want to have an interview, then I don’t put any of these in my CV or application. I still barely get invited to an interview anyway, let’s not ruin my little chances.

But on the interview:
“Can you carry heavy boxes?”
“Uhm…. no…..”

“What is your weakness?”
“Social skills…..?”

When now in 2017 there is basically not a single job where you don’t have to communicate with people. Even if it is not technically a customer-facing environment, they still expect you to be socially active…. Well, I don’t recognize faces and I have so low empathy levels, I don’t even recognize emotions…. so, yeah, be socially active…. 😦

Anyhow, just to cheer everyone up at the end. Here’s a pic of one of our cat sitting on my lap and studying climate physics with me.

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