Personal life · Uncategorized

Almost the end of another year

It always felt like, that I have to summarize the year passing by. Every self-help thing I came across by said, either on your birthday or the end of a year, whichever end-new year day you celebrate, it is good to look back and summarize your year.

As my emotional and mental balance is devastatingly broken and it feels unfixable, I kinda have to force myself to come up with positive things.

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For a long time, I haven’t “looked forward” to the new year, I am terrified each time, what worse will the next one bring.

So, let’s see 2017….

I started my year with being on antidepressants for the first time in my life. For the first time, I was struggling not to overdose something or step in the traffic.
After a long year of abuse, my workplace finally forced me to quit, therefore losing my job and ending up on benefits and unemployment. Which was practically the end of the world for me. Since most of my life, I was single, not being in a relationship, but alone was something I got used to. But being unemployed meant that I am absolutely unwanted and unneeded in the society. I was basically something you normally would get rid of. Yes, I have a twisted idea of people’s value in society. Let’s just skip that for a while.

So if the first 3 years of absolute and complete rejection from UK’s companies were not enough, now I got another couple of hundred “you are not good enough”. That most certainly helped my depression. In the meantime, I was on therapy which not really helped, more like I felt and absolute failure on the sessions. On the top of the fact that the psychologist didn’t give a damn about underlying conditions or past history whatsoever.

I am an aspie with prosopagnosia battling with anxiety and panic attacks and responding to every negative event with uncontrollable crying. But let’s forget about this and just treat my depression ignoring everything else. The unemployment centre woman had one session with me and an email and then never contacted me again. After a couple of sessions, I purposely started to improve my points on the self-test, so after 4 session I was “officially cured”. LOL UK healthcare system.

In the meantime, a dear friend of mine offered to have proper sessions to help me out. ❤
As nervous as I was, it actually turned out very well.
I also got a job. Payment less than in my previous place, more annoying customers and less hours. But it is chilling most of the time. No stress, exactly what I needed. Customers tend to be annoying, but oh well, won’t be bothered after they leave.

I continue volunteering. Despite of what others said, it does not help finding a job when you are an immigrant. Maybe it helps if you are local and with contacts, but not like that. I am doing it for 3 years now and I am not closer to a job in my field than when I started.

But it helped me realize personal things.

I turned 30 this year. And I finally realized what I want to do in my life career-wise. I am a late bloomer, yeah. But I know it. I might not reach it like ever. But at least I know it and unless I have a sever brain damage or Alzheimer or something, this knowledge will stay with me.

I had two holidays and a working-travel kind of thing. I have seen amazing placed, visited places I always wanted. Did shopping just for fun, and I think I can say that I pretty much own everything I ever wanted to own. The only thing left is a small place I can call my own, but I am pretty much done with the material wishes at age 30.

Due to my depression and “punishing myself with not eating” kinda way, I like myself in the mirror. We have an expression in my language about that, and I had to google the English version, but I think it’s the one that says “every cloud has a silver lining”. It is a bit twisted, that hey, I starved myself, but I am kinda okay now and I like my new body shape. But yeah, like that.

I traveled, I started to get used to eating again, even though I can’t eat a lot at the same time now, only smaller bits. I enjoyed life, I figured myself out.

Also started to talk to my ex again during summer time (on the Parade, lol, give me a break). We had a rather disastrous breakup, 3 years ago now I think. I told him not to contact me again. Then during summer, we had to, because a friend of ours came to visit and stayed only one day in London. So we met. We talked. And talked. He talked me through two panic attacks at night on the phone. We went on roadtrips. Spent some time at his place. We spent Christmas together. No feelings and no relationship officially. But it is alright. I feel free and he is a good company.

I’ve got a couple of rejections again around December. Jobwise. Dated people. Stopped dating them. Did university courses for fun. So, I don’t know. It probably wasn’t the happiest year of my life, but it was somewhat productive.

I don’t say my life is perfect. I still have the usual mental and emotional garbage issues. I still have uncontrollable crying, sometimes in public or in front of my boss. (He got used to it and is very supportive.) My rosacea and my joint problem still there. Sometimes better, sometimes worse. The joints are better, my skin is worse right now. I have harder days sometimes. Struggle a bit with money. Still live with my mum, sharing a room with my sister. Most of my problem would be solved if I get a chance to prove myself workwise.

We’ll see.

Goodbye-2017-Welcome-2018

Job hunt · Personal life

Hiatus

I always have shorter-longer gaps in blogging. I do have it in my normal diary as well, and by normal I mean hand-written.

Anyhow, basically my emotional state is quite…rolling. Ups and downs all the time and the downs are really down lately. Like no reason to live kind off downs. I am not planning to kill myself, it is more like…. I am a scientist. I go further, a life scientist with several course certificates about global warming, climate change and the state of biodiversity. So, when I am down, that comes with a sort of negative view, since I live in a city where I don’t see much change in people’s behaviour. It seems, really, nobody gets, how serious shit we are in right now and how much worse it is going to get. Soon. Don’t think about hundreds of years, I am talking about like 50 years. Yup, that’s right. We are in serious deep shit and it doesn’t seem to change…. so what is the point of trying when shit gets worse in my lifetime. My job (would be, if anyone would hire me) to try to slow this down at least, since stopping is not an option. But since nobody hires me, I feel helpless and most of all, utterly useless. I am literally living day-by-day with the eat-sleep-repeat pattern, I don’t make changes in the words, my knowledge is dying in my brain with my body without any use of it.

Rejection Just Ahead Green Road Sign with Dramatic Storm Clouds and Sky.

Lately, more and more I think about moving somewhere far from society. Society and the system failed me, why should I contribute then?

The hows and the whens are still question, but I have a friend who sort of did the same, moving away to a little village where nobody goes and he was never happier. He invited me to go and check it out if I’d like it. Not sure how I would make money there, as I have very limited physical abilities, but it seems that, there is nothing much for me in the society other than doing manual labour and get a bad treatment from people with money and status.

Recently I sort of “watched” the AHS Coven and there is a monologue, really caught me:
“I am a millennial. Generation Y; born between the birth of AIDS and 9/11, give or take. They call us the global generation. We are known for our entitlement and narcissism. Some say it’s because we’re the first generation where every kid gets a trophy just for showing up. Others think it’s because social media allows us to post when we fart or have a sandwich for all the world to see. But it seems our one defining trait is a numbness to the world. An indifference to suffering.”

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I can agree with that. Sort of. Not from her point of view.
But where I am from, I am the generation precisely to the year, which I would call “Experimental”
Ours was the generation, what got into the middle of changing the educational system to a general European one. We were the test subjects. How to change from the old system to the new, if it is workable.
I put it that way, it was not. That was the time when they divided the higher education to Bachelor and Masters…. For our Bachelor, they tried to shove down our throat, 4 years of information in 2.5 years. Then in Master’s…. that was the first time they launched the one I did. It wasn’t constructed, the whole education was a mess. I guess they have learnt from it.
The one thing no one bloody cares about, that they fucked up the future of an entire generation.
My fellow classmates… either got into a random facility due to family friends, or starting a new degree from zero and pushing themselves into dept. Or working as a puppet-slave to the rich and mighty like me.

I can’t care about other people anymore. Nobody cares about us, me, why should I? I am not a saint or a magician, trying to keep my mind sort of sane is a hard enough task.

I have to live the rest of my life with the fact that it seems, it doesn’t matter how many certificates I have (at this point 3 degrees and around 7-8 certificates)….. since I don’t have contacts and money, I am literally a trash on the side of the road.

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Literally the most common sentence I get in my life
Job hunt · Personal life · Uncategorized

Being ridiculed

aka expectations meets reality.

I don’t say I had great expectations, but I actually thought after graduation, I will get a job and I will live happily ever after. I hoped, that since my relationship-love life is literally non-existent, I could have just that little.

But…. after graduation, I entered the “you need experience to get a job, but you need to get a job to get experience” loop. Eventually I settled with volunteering, so I get some work experience, maybe contact as well, even though I am horrible at networking. But since I am not part of the rich and mighty, I had to work something in order to be able to get the work experience.

Now, I have experience, but I don’t make it to the interviews, or even if I make it, I am being ridiculed by “professionals (?)” for working in retail and hospitality.

So I am now what it is called, breaking point I believe. I no longer have hopes, I no longer have dreams. I just live day by day kinda waiting for the inevitable end.

At this point, I am out of ideas what I could do to get a job. I have 2 university degrees (both of them is in the 1st category, one of them was 89% the other 90something %). I have a language qualification, actually two and at the moment 7 other certificate on various topics and two published paper.

But I am UNSALEABLE. Because my career path is not one single thing, because I am not rich, my family is not rich, I don’t know the queen, the royal family and a whole bunch of rich people and lately and most of all: my mother tongue happened to be something other than English.

Yes, we reached the point of human history, where being knowledgeable about many topics, having a better brain (both, clever, smart and intelligent has a highly negative meaning lately) – is actually something, you have to be ashamed of.

Of you are going to be ridiculed, mistreated and looked-down.

 

 

I’ve never said that this blog is going to be a happy one.

art · Job hunt · Personal life

Finding myself

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Lately I have been doing the what am I want from my life game.
I always envied those, who could find their passion at an early age and devote to it and done. I could never do that. In high school, I was taking up different extra courses basically every two weeks. I found impossible to choose at age 16 what I want to spend the rest of my life with.

And I ended up at university specializing in that one subject I always slept through during high school – chemistry.

And here we are at age 29, with working in retail, cause I am an absolutely have no idea what am I want to do with my life. Probably that is not helpful in the job hunt. Once someone told me, that having too many interests is helpful.

Definitely not. It is the state where you want to do everything, you divide yourself, you know a little of everything, but specially good at nothing.

So what am I doing lately, is basically devoting a blog or a page to each of my interest and trying to figure out which one is the one I don’t get bored of or after a while I spend more time with it than the others.

I have literally no other ideas how to work out this problem, so I will try this one.

So, if you would like to follow the process:
My art: DeviantArt / Patreon (where you can financially support me a little :))/ Facebook

My blog about science, mostly Botany >> click here <<

Let’s see, which will last. Or maybe I find a combination of all

Job hunt · Personal life

Why am I not working in my field?

Which is life science, more specifically, plant genetics, cell culture, etc.

The reason why, because the only thing I ever experienced from the science community was utter and absolute rejection.

And I am bloody serious. 4 years passed now since my graduation and I have never had a single job interview. Sometimes I get the “your application has been unsuccessful”, but mostly nothing. Time just passes.

I try to keep up my knowledge by reading, writing and taking extra courses online. But lately I had less and less passion for it. Like, what is the point? No one ever gave me an opportunity to prove myself.

Sometimes I feel like, I just give up.

But then what’s left. I only have qualifications in science. I was prepared for years to be a researcher. Which did not happen.

And now I have nothing just the knowledge in my head.

Job hunt · Personal life · Uncategorized

Our society

Well, we had a conversation in my house and at work… and with friends… lining up all the things what pretty much sucks now…. I mean, hard work always existed and the hunger for money, but these days are pretty much nothing else, just money.

You can never satisfy anyone.

And let’s face it, Brits have waaaay to much time and they can allow themselves way to many things. Like arguing with an employe in a stationary store for losing like 50p from a voucher…. 50P !!!!!!!! IN A STATIONARY STORE. You honestly don’t have anything more important to do?

And I can guarantee you, the answer will be no.

And 90% of the time, if you have a problematic customer, they will be middle-aged white English woman. No, I am not being racist, I have years of experience on the topics. Always these woman (and woman in general) who wants to express their frustration and release their anger on a person who is like…. just working there to make their living.

Whatever, sort of got used to them. But seriously thinking about moving out of the UK, especially London. It stinks. Not literally.

Basically you are constantly threatened by “company policy” and your bosses that you are going to loose your job. You are enduring harassment, life threatening situations (I am not even joking about that), bullying by the management, discrimination. And what can you do? NOTHING.

And you probably tell the person who says these “mate, just quit and go somewhere else”. Let me tell you something, all companies are like that. From the head to down, everyone gets the pressure from above, to be scared and live in fear all the time and loose your job and you are gonna be homeless and DIE and family will DIE too.

Yes, because unlike the lucky ones, some of us can’t just live off not working. Like, we don’t have secret stash of money hidden on 6 other bank account. We actually work to pay the bills.

And before you start the “you should have studied” kinda bullshit, I have 3 university qualifications, 2 of them in science and I graduated with merit from all of them. And I am still here, working in retail, ’cause my family doesn’t have contacts and money.

Which is basically the only important thing these days, nothing else matters. Everyone is running after money and killing themselves with stress. Welcome to 2017, human society.

Personal life · Uncategorized

“Have courage and be kind”

Cinderella has always been my favourite fairy tale. And surprisingly it is, I have grown up on the mother’s grave give the clothes and shoes and there is actually 3 balls and at the end the step sisters disfigure themselves version. The pumpkin and fairy godmother came later when the internet came in and the west flowed into my country.

But, it is kind of a motto. Always been. More the “be kind” part. And I try to be. Today I had my first appointment with my recruitment officer, helper kind of person and she told me she believes I am a very kind person.

No one told me this before.

Probably due to my Asperger and Prosopagnosia, I am always the rude person who hurts everyone. I forget people, I don’t remember them and it is hurtful. They don’t care about the whys and hows, what matters is that I do not remember them. Or I do not care about their feelings and stuff. When I am basically in the dark about detecting people’s feelings…

So telling me this, I don’t know, the biggest compliment ever (?).

I judge people too fast I know that. And I hurt them a lot with my words and reactions, ever though it is not intentional.

Like, I am the person with flowers and butterflies, minus the fact that only my closest friends and family knows about it.

So yeah, life is not easy, especially when you not only have to figure out yourself, but everyone else around you, because you just have absolutely no clue what is their reaction to anything you say or do.