Personal life · Uncategorized

Almost the end of another year

It always felt like, that I have to summarize the year passing by. Every self-help thing I came across by said, either on your birthday or the end of a year, whichever end-new year day you celebrate, it is good to look back and summarize your year.

As my emotional and mental balance is devastatingly broken and it feels unfixable, I kinda have to force myself to come up with positive things.


For a long time, I haven’t “looked forward” to the new year, I am terrified each time, what worse will the next one bring.

So, let’s see 2017….

I started my year with being on antidepressants for the first time in my life. For the first time, I was struggling not to overdose something or step in the traffic.
After a long year of abuse, my workplace finally forced me to quit, therefore losing my job and ending up on benefits and unemployment. Which was practically the end of the world for me. Since most of my life, I was single, not being in a relationship, but alone was something I got used to. But being unemployed meant that I am absolutely unwanted and unneeded in the society. I was basically something you normally would get rid of. Yes, I have a twisted idea of people’s value in society. Let’s just skip that for a while.

So if the first 3 years of absolute and complete rejection from UK’s companies were not enough, now I got another couple of hundred “you are not good enough”. That most certainly helped my depression. In the meantime, I was on therapy which not really helped, more like I felt and absolute failure on the sessions. On the top of the fact that the psychologist didn’t give a damn about underlying conditions or past history whatsoever.

I am an aspie with prosopagnosia battling with anxiety and panic attacks and responding to every negative event with uncontrollable crying. But let’s forget about this and just treat my depression ignoring everything else. The unemployment centre woman had one session with me and an email and then never contacted me again. After a couple of sessions, I purposely started to improve my points on the self-test, so after 4 session I was “officially cured”. LOL UK healthcare system.

In the meantime, a dear friend of mine offered to have proper sessions to help me out. ❤
As nervous as I was, it actually turned out very well.
I also got a job. Payment less than in my previous place, more annoying customers and less hours. But it is chilling most of the time. No stress, exactly what I needed. Customers tend to be annoying, but oh well, won’t be bothered after they leave.

I continue volunteering. Despite of what others said, it does not help finding a job when you are an immigrant. Maybe it helps if you are local and with contacts, but not like that. I am doing it for 3 years now and I am not closer to a job in my field than when I started.

But it helped me realize personal things.

I turned 30 this year. And I finally realized what I want to do in my life career-wise. I am a late bloomer, yeah. But I know it. I might not reach it like ever. But at least I know it and unless I have a sever brain damage or Alzheimer or something, this knowledge will stay with me.

I had two holidays and a working-travel kind of thing. I have seen amazing placed, visited places I always wanted. Did shopping just for fun, and I think I can say that I pretty much own everything I ever wanted to own. The only thing left is a small place I can call my own, but I am pretty much done with the material wishes at age 30.

Due to my depression and “punishing myself with not eating” kinda way, I like myself in the mirror. We have an expression in my language about that, and I had to google the English version, but I think it’s the one that says “every cloud has a silver lining”. It is a bit twisted, that hey, I starved myself, but I am kinda okay now and I like my new body shape. But yeah, like that.

I traveled, I started to get used to eating again, even though I can’t eat a lot at the same time now, only smaller bits. I enjoyed life, I figured myself out.

Also started to talk to my ex again during summer time (on the Parade, lol, give me a break). We had a rather disastrous breakup, 3 years ago now I think. I told him not to contact me again. Then during summer, we had to, because a friend of ours came to visit and stayed only one day in London. So we met. We talked. And talked. He talked me through two panic attacks at night on the phone. We went on roadtrips. Spent some time at his place. We spent Christmas together. No feelings and no relationship officially. But it is alright. I feel free and he is a good company.

I’ve got a couple of rejections again around December. Jobwise. Dated people. Stopped dating them. Did university courses for fun. So, I don’t know. It probably wasn’t the happiest year of my life, but it was somewhat productive.

I don’t say my life is perfect. I still have the usual mental and emotional garbage issues. I still have uncontrollable crying, sometimes in public or in front of my boss. (He got used to it and is very supportive.) My rosacea and my joint problem still there. Sometimes better, sometimes worse. The joints are better, my skin is worse right now. I have harder days sometimes. Struggle a bit with money. Still live with my mum, sharing a room with my sister. Most of my problem would be solved if I get a chance to prove myself workwise.

We’ll see.


e-learning · Uncategorized

Course 5: Understanding Plants – Part I: What a Plant Knows

Understanding Plants – Part I: What a Plant Knows by Tel Aviv University


More information about this course > click here <

I really loved this course. Even though for me it was quite a simple one, having botanical background and everything.

How the Professor explains and puts everything into context is amazing however. After the introduction video my main thought was, “That’s how teachers should teach!”. He makes everything more interesting than any teacher I have ever heard talking about plant physiology.

Each week ends with a quiz which is quite fortunate for me, as I am usually not performing well on the assignments. The quiz wasn’t easy, it needs attention while watching the videos and I recommend taking notes.

I give 3 for the audience. Luckily it is not necessary to interact with other participants. This is a biology-chemistry science course specifically made for beginners. Still, as always with science courses and lectures, peoples sign up specifically to question and argue, and especially to question the validity of information in the lectures.

So generally, I loved the concept and the idea, it was made nicely. What is still missing, it the same as almost every course on coursera, the teachers and educators are not participating, not answering question at all on the forum. Mentors replies, but I could be a mentor on the Osteoarcheology course and even though I loved the course, I am not sure that a couple of weeks online course makes me qualified answering questions about human anthropology. They might be expert on the topics, they might be just people who did a couple of weeks, quite light plant physiology course.

Recommend: 5/5
Lectures: 5/5
Audience: 3/5

Job hunt · Personal life · Uncategorized

Being ridiculed

aka expectations meets reality.

I don’t say I had great expectations, but I actually thought after graduation, I will get a job and I will live happily ever after. I hoped, that since my relationship-love life is literally non-existent, I could have just that little.

But…. after graduation, I entered the “you need experience to get a job, but you need to get a job to get experience” loop. Eventually I settled with volunteering, so I get some work experience, maybe contact as well, even though I am horrible at networking. But since I am not part of the rich and mighty, I had to work something in order to be able to get the work experience.

Now, I have experience, but I don’t make it to the interviews, or even if I make it, I am being ridiculed by “professionals (?)” for working in retail and hospitality.

So I am now what it is called, breaking point I believe. I no longer have hopes, I no longer have dreams. I just live day by day kinda waiting for the inevitable end.

At this point, I am out of ideas what I could do to get a job. I have 2 university degrees (both of them is in the 1st category, one of them was 89% the other 90something %). I have a language qualification, actually two and at the moment 7 other certificate on various topics and two published paper.

But I am UNSALEABLE. Because my career path is not one single thing, because I am not rich, my family is not rich, I don’t know the queen, the royal family and a whole bunch of rich people and lately and most of all: my mother tongue happened to be something other than English.

Yes, we reached the point of human history, where being knowledgeable about many topics, having a better brain (both, clever, smart and intelligent has a highly negative meaning lately) – is actually something, you have to be ashamed of.

Of you are going to be ridiculed, mistreated and looked-down.



I’ve never said that this blog is going to be a happy one.

Job hunt · Personal life · Uncategorized

Our society

Well, we had a conversation in my house and at work… and with friends… lining up all the things what pretty much sucks now…. I mean, hard work always existed and the hunger for money, but these days are pretty much nothing else, just money.

You can never satisfy anyone.

And let’s face it, Brits have waaaay to much time and they can allow themselves way to many things. Like arguing with an employe in a stationary store for losing like 50p from a voucher…. 50P !!!!!!!! IN A STATIONARY STORE. You honestly don’t have anything more important to do?

And I can guarantee you, the answer will be no.

And 90% of the time, if you have a problematic customer, they will be middle-aged white English woman. No, I am not being racist, I have years of experience on the topics. Always these woman (and woman in general) who wants to express their frustration and release their anger on a person who is like…. just working there to make their living.

Whatever, sort of got used to them. But seriously thinking about moving out of the UK, especially London. It stinks. Not literally.

Basically you are constantly threatened by “company policy” and your bosses that you are going to loose your job. You are enduring harassment, life threatening situations (I am not even joking about that), bullying by the management, discrimination. And what can you do? NOTHING.

And you probably tell the person who says these “mate, just quit and go somewhere else”. Let me tell you something, all companies are like that. From the head to down, everyone gets the pressure from above, to be scared and live in fear all the time and loose your job and you are gonna be homeless and DIE and family will DIE too.

Yes, because unlike the lucky ones, some of us can’t just live off not working. Like, we don’t have secret stash of money hidden on 6 other bank account. We actually work to pay the bills.

And before you start the “you should have studied” kinda bullshit, I have 3 university qualifications, 2 of them in science and I graduated with merit from all of them. And I am still here, working in retail, ’cause my family doesn’t have contacts and money.

Which is basically the only important thing these days, nothing else matters. Everyone is running after money and killing themselves with stress. Welcome to 2017, human society.

e-learning · Uncategorized

Course 1: Big History – From the Big Bang until Today

I literally don’t have ideas to write about, or at least not until today. Then I’ve realized, I am taking online courses like crazy after one another, so I can write recommendations. If anyone is interested taking them, just to know what to expect.

So, the course in the title was the first e-course I took. Actually I took 3 at the same time, but that was the first I finished.

Big History – From the Big Bang until Today by University of Amsterdam.

You can find some close up info about the course itself clicking here.

The course itself, was absolutely amazing. The guest lecturers were interesting. It was nicely put together. There was a lecture at the end, I believe the last lecture, what had a technical mistake, so you could see the lecture, but the lecturer had a PowerPoint slideshow which did not show. So it was a bit weird “you can see here on the picture” and you saw nothing.

The negative part is that some of the quiz questions were quite challenging and there was absolutely zero support from the lecturer. Like she did not even show, not even once.

Also the assignments – this is a general problem on coursera by the way. There is no admin or lecturer support and your “classmates” are grading the assignment. On this course, most of the time you needed to pass the assignment to pass the course. I’ve got downgraded several times, because the person who graded my assignment did not understand my concept. Or because I was stupid enough to decide on a controversial topic and I am sure the person’s opinion the opposite of mine.

I also had one who copied my assignment and submitted as their own. They did not even bother to change the wording, I recognized my writing style immediately and as I saved the original on my computer, I opened it and saw the exact same writing word by word. It was bloody ridiculous that someone steals an assignment for a free online course.

Recommend: 4/5
Lectures: 4,5/5
Audience: 2/5

Personal life · Uncategorized

“Have courage and be kind”

Cinderella has always been my favourite fairy tale. And surprisingly it is, I have grown up on the mother’s grave give the clothes and shoes and there is actually 3 balls and at the end the step sisters disfigure themselves version. The pumpkin and fairy godmother came later when the internet came in and the west flowed into my country.

But, it is kind of a motto. Always been. More the “be kind” part. And I try to be. Today I had my first appointment with my recruitment officer, helper kind of person and she told me she believes I am a very kind person.

No one told me this before.

Probably due to my Asperger and Prosopagnosia, I am always the rude person who hurts everyone. I forget people, I don’t remember them and it is hurtful. They don’t care about the whys and hows, what matters is that I do not remember them. Or I do not care about their feelings and stuff. When I am basically in the dark about detecting people’s feelings…

So telling me this, I don’t know, the biggest compliment ever (?).

I judge people too fast I know that. And I hurt them a lot with my words and reactions, ever though it is not intentional.

Like, I am the person with flowers and butterflies, minus the fact that only my closest friends and family knows about it.

So yeah, life is not easy, especially when you not only have to figure out yourself, but everyone else around you, because you just have absolutely no clue what is their reaction to anything you say or do.

Job hunt · Personal life · Uncategorized

Job seeking and stuff

Well, I am finally announced depression free! I am so happy about it, it was really not me. A friend of mine told me that I am the most positive, cheerful person she knows and if I am battling with depression, there is something seriously wrong with the world.

Well, depressive episode over (I am pretty sure there will be more, but then I will deal with them when they come). So at least, that is out of the question.

Too bad I cannot do the same with my Asperger or Prosopagnosia. Or with my JHS if we are lining up hereditary or born-with problems.

My mum asked an interesting question yesterday, that does the knowledge that I do have these illnesses makes me feel bad or down or sad? (She doesn’t have any of my problems, for JHS, she is probably a carrier, same as for my father, as none of them have it, but it occurs in the family on both sides. So I won the 50-50% lottery from both sides.)

And back to the question if it makes me sad or affects me in a way that makes me sad. And the answer is ‘no’. I mean, yes, I do wish sometimes to be like everybody else. But since all of my problems I had it since I can remember, naming it does not change anything. Knowing my JHS does not make it less painful. Knowing my Prosopagnosia does not make it easier to recognize faces. Life is the same. The only difference is that I can answer to questions like “oh, do you have any problem?” “oh, what is wrong with you?” “what causing your problem?”. Many people finds it utterly funny that I don’t really recognize faces much. My mum was not one of them when I did not recognize family members…

But that does not make me sad. It is part of my life, I kinda got used to it. Adjusted my life around them. It is not perfect, but it’s working better than before.

And then job seeking, wow, hardcore, I am playing level 10000. Because if I want to have an interview, then I don’t put any of these in my CV or application. I still barely get invited to an interview anyway, let’s not ruin my little chances.

But on the interview:
“Can you carry heavy boxes?”
“Uhm…. no…..”

“What is your weakness?”
“Social skills…..?”

When now in 2017 there is basically not a single job where you don’t have to communicate with people. Even if it is not technically a customer-facing environment, they still expect you to be socially active…. Well, I don’t recognize faces and I have so low empathy levels, I don’t even recognize emotions…. so, yeah, be socially active…. 😦

Anyhow, just to cheer everyone up at the end. Here’s a pic of one of our cat sitting on my lap and studying climate physics with me.