e-learning · Uncategorized

Course 1: Big History – From the Big Bang until Today

I literally don’t have ideas to write about, or at least not until today. Then I’ve realized, I am taking online courses like crazy after one another, so I can write recommendations. If anyone is interested taking them, just to know what to expect.

So, the course in the title was the first e-course I took. Actually I took 3 at the same time, but that was the first I finished.

Big History – From the Big Bang until Today by University of Amsterdam.

You can find some close up info about the course itself clicking here.

The course itself, was absolutely amazing. The guest lecturers were interesting. It was nicely put together. There was a lecture at the end, I believe the last lecture, what had a technical mistake, so you could see the lecture, but the lecturer had a PowerPoint slideshow which did not show. So it was a bit weird “you can see here on the picture” and you saw nothing.

The negative part is that some of the quiz questions were quite challenging and there was absolutely zero support from the lecturer. Like she did not even show, not even once.

Also the assignments – this is a general problem on coursera by the way. There is no admin or lecturer support and your “classmates” are grading the assignment. On this course, most of the time you needed to pass the assignment to pass the course. I’ve got downgraded several times, because the person who graded my assignment did not understand my concept. Or because I was stupid enough to decide on a controversial topic and I am sure the person’s opinion the opposite of mine.

I also had one who copied my assignment and submitted as their own. They did not even bother to change the wording, I recognized my writing style immediately and as I saved the original on my computer, I opened it and saw the exact same writing word by word. It was bloody ridiculous that someone steals an assignment for a free online course.

Recommend: 4/5
Lectures: 4,5/5
Audience: 2/5

Personal life · Uncategorized

“Have courage and be kind”

Cinderella has always been my favourite fairy tale. And surprisingly it is, I have grown up on the mother’s grave give the clothes and shoes and there is actually 3 balls and at the end the step sisters disfigure themselves version. The pumpkin and fairy godmother came later when the internet came in and the west flowed into my country.

But, it is kind of a motto. Always been. More the “be kind” part. And I try to be. Today I had my first appointment with my recruitment officer, helper kind of person and she told me she believes I am a very kind person.

No one told me this before.

Probably due to my Asperger and Prosopagnosia, I am always the rude person who hurts everyone. I forget people, I don’t remember them and it is hurtful. They don’t care about the whys and hows, what matters is that I do not remember them. Or I do not care about their feelings and stuff. When I am basically in the dark about detecting people’s feelings…

So telling me this, I don’t know, the biggest compliment ever (?).

I judge people too fast I know that. And I hurt them a lot with my words and reactions, ever though it is not intentional.

Like, I am the person with flowers and butterflies, minus the fact that only my closest friends and family knows about it.

So yeah, life is not easy, especially when you not only have to figure out yourself, but everyone else around you, because you just have absolutely no clue what is their reaction to anything you say or do.

Job hunt · Personal life · Uncategorized

Job seeking and stuff

Well, I am finally announced depression free! I am so happy about it, it was really not me. A friend of mine told me that I am the most positive, cheerful person she knows and if I am battling with depression, there is something seriously wrong with the world.

Well, depressive episode over (I am pretty sure there will be more, but then I will deal with them when they come). So at least, that is out of the question.

Too bad I cannot do the same with my Asperger or Prosopagnosia. Or with my JHS if we are lining up hereditary or born-with problems.

My mum asked an interesting question yesterday, that does the knowledge that I do have these illnesses makes me feel bad or down or sad? (She doesn’t have any of my problems, for JHS, she is probably a carrier, same as for my father, as none of them have it, but it occurs in the family on both sides. So I won the 50-50% lottery from both sides.)

And back to the question if it makes me sad or affects me in a way that makes me sad. And the answer is ‘no’. I mean, yes, I do wish sometimes to be like everybody else. But since all of my problems I had it since I can remember, naming it does not change anything. Knowing my JHS does not make it less painful. Knowing my Prosopagnosia does not make it easier to recognize faces. Life is the same. The only difference is that I can answer to questions like “oh, do you have any problem?” “oh, what is wrong with you?” “what causing your problem?”. Many people finds it utterly funny that I don’t really recognize faces much. My mum was not one of them when I did not recognize family members…

But that does not make me sad. It is part of my life, I kinda got used to it. Adjusted my life around them. It is not perfect, but it’s working better than before.

And then job seeking, wow, hardcore, I am playing level 10000. Because if I want to have an interview, then I don’t put any of these in my CV or application. I still barely get invited to an interview anyway, let’s not ruin my little chances.

But on the interview:
“Can you carry heavy boxes?”
“Uhm…. no…..”

“What is your weakness?”
“Social skills…..?”

When now in 2017 there is basically not a single job where you don’t have to communicate with people. Even if it is not technically a customer-facing environment, they still expect you to be socially active…. Well, I don’t recognize faces and I have so low empathy levels, I don’t even recognize emotions…. so, yeah, be socially active…. 😦

Anyhow, just to cheer everyone up at the end. Here’s a pic of one of our cat sitting on my lap and studying climate physics with me.



Nobody talks about it

The last post wasn’t a happy one, or more like, the beginning wasn’t too happy. Well, no one said this is going to be a happy blog. This is about my experiences and life-mistake, so what to expect after this explanation.

I wanted to write about something else today. Not necessarily what I experienced, but more like what others. I am still on the brighter side of the spectrum.

So, what everybody talks about, how bad the situation is outside Europe. People’s life, poverty.

What nobody talks about is the industrialized modern slavery what happens in Europe. Because this is an ugly word and our clean and civilized society, no such thing exist, how dare you.

Well, try to digest the harsh truth, yes, there is a form of slavery in Europe. Especially in England.

This is not the type of slavery, you see in the movies. Or documentaries of other countries outside Europe. This is lurking in the dark.

When I moved here, I started to work in hospitality, in a coffee shop. (As basically every single foreigner, especially from other countries of Europe, because you get no help, you are not running away from a war, you are running away from poverty and that is your problem, now is it). I was earning £6.31 at the time. 40 hours a week, because I am not physically built to work more. (Still, sometimes I worked 45-50 hours, all bandaged up, because my joints couldn’t take it.). So that is approx £1000 per month. Since I couldn’t work a lot and I was trying to get experience in my field, I volunteered, that was reduced to approx £750 per month. From that, £400 was the rent. £15 the phone, £130 the travel. So usually I was left with £200 for a month of everything, food, hygiene products, clothing.

I was treated like a dirt. People were constantly shouted at me for no reason, we were not allowed to drink, to eat, to sit down, toilet only 1-2 during the 8-9 hours shift, and not longer than 2-3 minutes. Including your journey to the toilet and back. If you were on toilet break for more than 5 minutes, you got into trouble, something investigation against you. We were taking turns crying in the changing room.

Sometimes I had no time or mostly money for food. I lost weight. We all did.

And I was still on the bright side.

I know people, clinical psychologists, biochemists, all working like this. Some of them works 60-70 hours per week, every single day without a day off for weeks.

I know people working for less than the minimum wage.

People who are working as black workers, working for cash, with no benefits or healthcare on anything.

I have never had sick pay. For 4 years I am working without a single sick pay. On a zero hour contract. Without pension.

If you are sick, you either come to work sick or you don’t and you won’t eat next month. So you work. We were all working sick.

We were all working during the winter in an open area in shirts, because we were not allowed to dress up warmer. We were breaking cups and plates and dropped milk jugs because we did not feel our hands.

We had 2nd degree burns all over. I had concussions multiple times due to poor engineering work in the shop. We got no compensation. I was working with a concussion because my shift was not over.

And trust me, there are people working in much worse conditions.

And let’s not mention the living conditions in London.

Do you think this is not slavery? Yes, technically it isn’t. Since they have a choice. They have a choice to be unemployed, starve and be homeless.

And I don’t say, do something, because the social justice warriors are blind to see this. I just ask you to think, before you start shouting at people because they don’t work as fast as you think they should. Maybe they are there working for 13 hours in a row. Like I did sometimes. Started at 6am, finished at 7pm and had 30 minutes break to eat.

Consider us humans, because your behaviour puts is into the slavery position.


What if everything goes wrong?

Well, that is basically my life. Sort of. I lost my job, I have health issues and overall just have the feeling that nothing is going into the right direction. Nothing goes in a way I want it to.

And I am typing this post with one eye only with a nasty eye infection. Feels like a pirate tho.

One thing, what I have realized in the last couple of weeks since I am on my notice period and working much less than used to be, that… Yes, I have absolutely no idea how I will pay rent and groceries from next month, but! … I don’t live the life I wanted to. And that was what gave me the wake up shock. Like, yes, I am in a full-blown job search, but I realized, I have never wanted a life like that. Running all the time, circling my life around work-work-work! Always running, always stressing…

I always imagined my adult life to be chill and relaxed. Making some money (becoming rich is not among my objectives, maybe that is a problem), enjoying life, adoring the world’s beauty. I am the person who can be happy over little things. A lovely flower, a nice weather, anything really.

And there I became a person who I have never wanted to. A person living for work, not the other way around. And that is wrong, seriously, deeply wrong. Maybe there are people enjoying life like that but I am not one of them.

If we look around, it is always the money, causing problems. We either have to little or too much and it is never secondary. For example now. From next Monday, I will be unemployed and my main thought are circling around how will I pay the rent and the tax and food. To be honest, I have never actually thought that I will have a problem like that in my future life.

Yeah, the life of the spoiled. Sort of. I always had everything I ever wanted (not relationship wise, I am seriously suck at human relationships), but anything else. I worked bloody hard for it, but I had it. This is the first time in my life when hard work does not pay off. On the contrary, working my ass out made me unemployed. Simply because the whole management changed over a year and the new board does not like me.

So there we go, when everything goes wrong. The yeast does not work, the eggs break, I don’t get any job offer and time just flies…

But it was on Sunday, when I had enough. Not even the little things worked out and that was the point when I decided, if the universe wanna play that game, then I will roll my sleeves up and joining in, because I will not going to give it up!



Hoping for the better days

Okay, the title is not really accurate,  as it indicates sitting and waiting. But I would use it more like the, I do everything in my power and hoping for the better outcome.

And, my last couple of days weren’t good ones.

There are always up and downs, and the last couple of days were a down.

I hoped for a good outcome of a job application, as I have the knowledge, experience and volunteered for the place for years, and still… I received the email on Wednesday, that I wan’t even selected for an interview. So, that hit me kind of hard.

Also, I wrote training guides in my free time for my team back when I had the idea of going up in the hierarchy at my company. And now, they actually got offended that I don’t give them permission to use those after my leave. Like, I did not create them as part of my job, I did not do it during my job. Those were my sort of lectures written in my free time. So yes, there was a bit of a tension that I rejected to give them permission to use them. For those, who read this blog, you know, how I was forced to resign from the company. I won’t make their life easy after putting me into a position of that. It is not like a revenge or anything, it’s more of a ‘I have to stand up for myself’ kind of thing.

And I am encouraged by my counselor to do that, as she determined that I have no self-esteem and I shall work on that.

So yes, I only have a couple of days left of employment and they still manage to give me a headache.

So, basically I did nothing in the last 2 days… technically I was working, but I did not update my Patreon, nor this or my other blog.

Oh, since I just mentioned it.

If you feel like, you’d like to support me, here’s my Patreon , I do all kind of stuff, from crafting to painting and designing tattoos. 🙂

Also if you’d like to follow a blog where I write about science in a simpler, more understandable way, here’s the link for Historia Naturalis.

I try to update both of them regularly, and apparently I will have more time for that in the future. Not sure if this is a good or a bad thing, but we’ll see. The crafty part will probably be a bit on hiatus, since I need to save money, but for paintings I have many new ideas, so bear with me. 🙂


So what’s next…

Well, when you are in a situation like me, or you are a bit like me (oh, you poor unfortunate soul…), you need some time. To think. To try to have those lightbulb moments. When you have some ideas what to do… with your life eventually.

When you are a person like me, interested in so many different things, you divide your attention all the time. This is quite exhausting and it is a bit like scratching the surface, but not getting any deeper knowledge….

So what you need to do is prioritize. It will be hard, I can guarantee that, but might worth it. I don’t know, still working on it.

So basically, since now I am here floating in the life of the unemployed. I need to think which of my interest can bring money. Sad, really, but when you struggle with the monthly rent, that is kinda the first step, to make at least the amount of money what makes you through the month.

So, I will exclude for example the music. I play the piano, but I do it as a hobby and I am not really good at it either, so it will be the “when I have time for it”.

Also crafting and cosplay. Or parts of the crafting and cosplay. Cosplay is expensive, let’s face it, and it doesn’t matter how much you love it, it still requires money. So that is going to be on hold. Crafting can stay a bit, because I gathered up so much materials, that I can create things in the meantime without spending anything or at least more than a couple of pounds.

So what’s left is my experience and university degrees (time consuming job search, I just applied one an hour ago) and the painting/drawing part. I have materials on my, so I can work with that.

Now we just need ideas to put into reality. I cannot do wall murals, because I usually do indoor ones, and I rent the place. But, I can design tattoos, which I do occasionally, lineart with my tablet and eventually, to put ideas onto paper. I have 3 different project ideas for that, so at least I am not at zero. 🙂

And in the meantime, it seems I am getting out of my depression. Yes, I have as previous post talked about. I don’t hide it. People criticize for it, but that is exactly the approach what makes mental illnesses worse. Making it a taboo. If I would have flu, no one would care if I shout it out on the internet. But mental illness, that is something unspeakable. Hell not. It is time for people to understand, it is much more common than you think.

My grandfather probably suffered from it until he died. Now we know, because we remember how he was, but he never got treated for it, because hurr-durr only crazy people goes to the doctor with mental problems.

So, yeah, no hiding here. I get treated for it. And guess what, instead of getting worse, I actually getting better. So please, people, if you think you have depression or anxiety, take the self-test on NHS and if the test says you should ask your GP, then do it. I know it is hard and I personally felt ashamed of it, but they can help.